|This letter was found in a squash court of a university in Boston. All errors are as they appear in the original and in my opinion really add to the piece. |
Plainpaper... plain writing... plain old me.(At least thats how the first five drafts of this letter began.) My goodness, I'm finally awake! I was writing you about three hours ago when the fatigue set in and knocked me out - just as well I wasn't writing very clearly anyway. Well, on with what I have to say:
Note: Julia, please read this slowly. I went thru a lot in writing it and there seems to be alot in it. And also please read the whole thing, this is very important.
First of all, I've been doing a lot of thinking... much more than will ever be recounted. At the end of it I feel quite exhausted and in fact fed up with thought in general. Throughout my studying I pondered the ins and outs of our relationship: what is used to be, what it is, and what will become of it. I can tell you the latter was by far the most cumbersome. I will present to you here a few of my ideas, though most will remain forgotten and-or purposefully left out (the reason for this I hope will become clear.)
What I have to say I am sure won't surprise you; the reason I have tosay it is to "set the record straight", so to speak. I have fallen "out of love" with you. At least this is my conclusion; I contend that I do think about you alot, much more than is good for me, and that this idea has made me very very sad, but to the best of my knowledge (be it little) it is the truth. I have tried very hard, harder than ever before; I was driven to make this relationship work. I wanted to go abroad with you on my mind, I wanted to look forward evermore towards your visits, and though we might never have gone out again I wanted to remember the love I had and feel that it was real. I think I will cry if I ever give this letter to you.
The time that we spent apart seems like years - seeing you for just a little bit every two days probably only worsened it: each time we were terribly uncomfortable and so it felt like the love we did have must have been falsified. I realize that school may have been aprecipitating factor in all this but it is not an excuse; excuses are designed to eleviate the guilt and hopefully repair damages. This it does not.
Beyond these two ideas the rest is just details. When we're old maybe we'll get around to discussing them, but right now I don't feel that this is important. What I do feel is important is that we spend a good deal of time together doing things that we enjoy.
I guess this is going to sound like quite a turnaround in the letter, but I will confess that this is not a break up letter, ie. Dear Jane. What I said on the phone so many eons ago still holds true:"There are allot of beautiful things to do in the world and I know that I can enjoy them very much with you." (or in not so many words). And... uh... you may feel otherwise but, I don't want to stop being intimate and affectionate with you, ie I still want to be your"boyfriend". (ich! auch! yuck! spit! what a cliche!) I figure that just because I don't love you doesn't mean I can't like you very... well... you understand.
This may now sound a bit presumptious I would to "mention" two things. One is your overbearing "ethnocentricity" kick. Joking or not, you are always correcting little things that we do, as if we were the root of all this ethnocentric evil in the world. You (and you alone it seems) are miss "politically correct" and "ethnocentrofugal". Maybe this helps you to define yourself in this overbaringly immoral society, it does after all seem to be ajustifiable cause, but it really is annoying sometimes (I was tempted to use "a bit annoying" but similies are too often missinterpretted). The other is the subordinating way in which you express emotion. Everytime we go to kiss, or go just somewhere you grab my hand and drag me; and then to kiss, you grab my jacket and pull me down to kiss. To me this is very assuming, and very dominating. With you there is no mutual leaning over to kiss - if I want to kiss I lean over and when you don't want to, you simply don't - for me I get yanked into it.
I don't know what you think of this, and I shan't probably for awhile. I would like very much to give it to you tonight, and I apologize right now if I have done that; it means a lot to me and I cannot wait any longer. I feel good about it: I, in writing it, have gone through a variety of emotions (as you will probably have guessed) and I have expressed the basis of my ideas. I do want to spend time with you and I hope that you will accept this offer, and I would like to stop spending so much time thinking. I have learned a lotfrom you and from our relationship, but I've lost a bit ofconfidence.
I thank you, and I hope to see you soon.
P.S. You don't have to think about this before your exams, I don't want that; if I can help you with your studies let me know.